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Emotions Management
ANGER
FACTS ABOUT ANGER:
1. If you believe that all anger is wrong, and over the past many
years, you have been hiding from yourself your own feeling of
irritation and anger, then YOU HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM.
2. If you ignore your hurts and anger, thinking that they will go
away and won't cause you any trouble, then YOU HAVE AN ANGER
PROBLEM.
3. If you just let all your feelings and anger hang out - just
get them out of your system - thinking that through this you
will solve your anger problem, then YOU HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM.
4. If you think that it will not cost you too much emotionally to
be a nice person who never gets angry at anybody, then YOU
HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM.
5. Thinking that if you express your hurts and anger to the
person you are angry at, your relationship will suffer, YOU
HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM.
WRONG APPROACH
1. Peace-at-any-price - Take the blame for everything
2. Stamp collectors - Collect all grievance, annoyance, or
irritation and deny that they bother
them, then explode with detailed
cataloging of all past offenses
3. Silent approach - When bothered, retreats to icy
silence and sullen look
4. The critic - Critical and sarcastic about
everything supported by seemingly
well-founded intellectual or rational
reasoning
5. Gooey-sweet - Seemingly bitter and artificial
sweetness
6. Passively
aggressive - stubborn, procrastinating,
always say the opposite view
Anger is like energy, it cannot be destroyed, but it can be stored
and its form can be changed. When we bury the anger within us and
repeatedly deny its existence, it accumulates in a so called
UNRESOLVED ANGER FUND.
EFFECTS OF HIGH UNRESOLVED ANGER FUND
Accumulated anger will result in guilt, obesity, insomnia,
backaches, gastrointestinal symptoms, ulcers, sexual problems,
fatigue, depression, neuroses, psychoses, potentials for murder and
suicide, etc.
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES
1. In the Bible, GOD got angry the most often : in the Old
Testament, the Hebrew word for anger appears 455 times out of
which 375 times it is referring to the anger of GOD. Jesus
was angry in Mark 11:15-17 and drove out the parasitic money
changers in the temple. Fill in Mark 11:15-17:
2. Genesis 1:26-27, God in His wisdom created us in His own
image. ANGER is itself neutral. It is a God-given emotion.
Emotions are gifts that can be used to serve us and to serve
God well. To deny them is to deny a part of the person God
created us to be, and that is sin. It is what the anger is
based on and how the anger is expressed that determines
whether it is right or wrong.
3. Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood
and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members
of one body." Denying our anger vastly complicates working
out the problem with our fellow human beings."
4. James 1:19 "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone
should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become
angry." Proverbs 16:32, "He who is slow to anger is better
than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who
captures a city." A crucial principle is that a person should
listen to his feelings but never be controlled by them or
compelled to act on the basis of our feelings alone.
5. Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun
(the heat, the intensity of your feeling) go down while you
are still angry (while there is still an opportunity), and do
not give the devil a foothold." == "It's appropriate and
necessary to be angry, but be very careful that you don't sin
in the process. Dissipate the anger constructively before the
heat of the emotion is lost, too much time passes, and the
best opportunity is gone." Just as we should not be in a
hurry to deal with anger, we must also not go to the extreme
and delay longer than is necessary. It is important to take
appropriate action (e.g. talk to the person who hurts you
about it) in a matter of seconds or minutes (or at the most a
few hours after the incident) than to wait days, weeks,
months, or even years before constructively handling the
situation. The emotional weight which untold millions of
people carry simply because they have procrastinated at this
point would cause problems to you.
6. Anger causes bitterness and resentment. Anger is not sin,
bitterness and resentment are. In Matthew 6:15, the Lord's
Prayer says that if we do not give up our resentment, God will
not forgive our sins.
7. If we have inappropriate or sinful expectations, and we become
angry because we don't get our way, we are sinning in our
anger. Read I Kings 20 and 21.
8. In some cases anger may be righteous and its absence may
displease God, which means we may be sinning by not getting
angry. Read I Samuel 11:6, Nehemiah 5:6-9, Numbers 25:16-17,
and I Samuel 2:12-36, the story of Eli and his two sons. Read
I Samuel 3:13.
FOUR WAYS PEOPLE HANDLE ANGER
1. The person whose anger is KNOWN is seen by the world as an
angry, hostile person, and the person himself feels very
angry.
2. With the person who has camouflaged his anger fairly well, the
world at large may not be aware of his feelings because they
are HIDDEN, but the person himself may be aware of them.
3. The world at large may be aware of the person's anger, but the
person is BLIND to it.
4. This is the most serious of all: the person whose anger has
been so denied and repressed that neither the person himself
nor the world around him is aware that it is buried within him
to make it UNKNOWN.
SIX LEVELS TO DEAL WITH ANGER
1. Very Mature - He is able to accurately determine the reasons
for his feelings. His response is by choice rather than by
reaction. He is able to act out of principle, meaning that
when other people's lives are at stake and injustices are
done, this person gets angry, and his anger leads to positive
action. E.g. Christ and money changers. He is also able to
suppress his feelings and dissipate them without either
harming the people around him or holding the anger inside so
that it is destructive to himself. E.g. Christ's handling of
the people who laughed at him for saying Jarius daughter was
dead (Matthew 9:23-25). He disagreed with the crowd, went in
to see the girl, and raised her from the dead. Notice that
Jesus didn't say to the crowd, "I told you so."
2. Mature - He is always aware of his feelings and is able to
accurately determine their cause. He constructively
dissipates his negative feelings in a way that harms others
the least. He is kind and considerate. Many annoyances that
bother other people really won't bother him. However, when
something really does bother him, he will confront the
situation squarely. He will never avoid a problem merely
because it is uncomfortable to deal with.
3. Somewhat mature - He is aware of his feelings and is able to
determine their cause. He attempts to deal fairly quickly
with the problem, but occasionally may react too quickly or
slowly. He may not always be as kind as possible to the
person he is interacting with, but his basic desire is to
resolve the problem. His range of anger displayed is between
4a (hide more) and 4c (display more). Family members may
occasionally hear this person yell. But he will quickly try
to remedy the situation and will be willing to apologize when
appropriate.
4. Somewhat immature - He is usually aware of his negative
feelings, but only occasionally knows the specific causes of
them. He occasionally makes attempts to deal with feelings
constructively, but at other times handles them destructively.
This person never seriously injures anyone, but he may cause
a fair amount of emotional hurt to those around him. He has
collected a moderate amount of anger in his unresolved anger
fund. There may be significant neurotic symptoms,
psychosomatic complaints, marital problems, or other
difficulties. The person in 3a zone may sulk, be passively
aggressive, or use other methods, but externally he looks
fairly well-adjusted to all but those who are extremely close
to him. The person in 3c zone loses his temper, slams doors,
and may even break things in his attempts to give vent to his
anger. Those who know him consider him to be somewhat hostile
or to have a bad temper. It is important to note that a
younger person can be handling anger immaturely but may not
yet exhibit any of the physical or psychological symptoms
simply because he or she is so young.
5. Immature - The 2a person often denies the existence of any
anger in his life. When he is aware of any anger, he still
often handles it destructively. He has a large unresolved
anger fund, which persists in making him uncomfortable and
unhappy. He may have a number of physical symptoms. Often
there is a lot of guilt and depression in his life, or he may
be numb to his feelings. Suicidal thoughts may start to
emerge. Still, this immature person may be able to hide his
problems from all but those who are very close to him. The 2c
person is as immature as the 2a person. The difference is
those around him know that he is angry. He typically
overreacts to small irritants and may not be aware of why he
is reacting the way he is. Even when he is aware of what is
making him angry, he usually handles his anger destructively.
He always makes other people unhappy and may even hurt them
physically. Emotional scars are inevitable, and are
particularly apparent to his souse and children. He seldom
sits down and shares his feelings with others. Those who hide
their anger try to avoid conflict issues, only to have the
effects emerge later in indirect ways. The overtly angry
person is prone to launch an angry counter-attack, often
confusing the issue and leaving others hurt.
6. Very immature - He chronically hides his anger and may be
totally unaware that anger is a problem for him, and so he
typically handles it destructively. Generally he doesn't want
to hurt anyone, but his problem is so great that it is
virtually impossible for him to avoid creating a lot of
problems for others as well as for himself. If he is not
extremely depressed, he is then emotionally numb. Inevitably
there are a lot of physically distressing symptoms, if not a
neurosis or even a psychosis. This person has a gigantic
unresolved anger fund. He can no longer hide his dilemma from
the outside world; they know he is in trouble and that without
a drastic change the anger may lead to depression and
hopelessness of such magnitude that it may result in suicide.
Occasionally this person becomes so angry that he bursts like
a boiling teapot, perhaps even hurting others. The person who
is very immature in handling anger and who displays it would
fall into the category of 1c and 1d. This individual is
obviously extremely hostile and physically abusive to those
who get in his way. He causes others much unhappiness and is
a very unhappy person himself. He may use alcohol and have
trouble with the law. He may feel guilty and depressed,
feelings that may lead to homicide or suicide.
IMPORTANT FACTS:
1. Conflict is normal.
2. Conflict is inevitable.
3. Anger towards a loved one doesn't mean we don't love
him.
4. Jesus gets angry, too. And we are supposed to be
Christlike.
5. People who are closest to you are those you are most
likely you have conflicts with because i) most
interchange and ii) highest expectations.
6. Confrontation is necessary.
7. People avoid confrontation because they think expressing
their anger will hurt their relationships. But the
opposite is true. If you don't admit to being hurt or
angry and don't express your anger in constructive ways,
you may eventually destroy relationships and hurt at
least one of the people involved.
8. If you find yourself incapable of feeling love toward
anyone, it may well be because there is large unresolved
anger fund that has not been dealt with.
9. When we express our honest feelings in constructive
ways, true love is never killed but strengthened.
10. Apply confrontation with God in your prayer. Expressing
your feelings is a cleansing experience.
HANDLING YOUR ANGER
When someone insults you and suddenly you feel hurt, these are the
steps you can use to handle your anger effectively.
1. Recognize Your Feelings of Displeasure
The first step is to get in touch with your feelings of hurt,
displeasure, or anger. For most people this is not a problem.
For a person who has repressed his anger for so long, the only
feeling he may feel is just funny and confused. While
identifying the hurt feeling, do not judge the cause of the
feeling as to whether it is reasonable or not, or even as to
whether it is right or wrong. Try to determine whether you
are a little upset, moderately upset, or very upset. This
will serve as an important clue later on as to the action you
may need to take. Also, if you don't appreciate the degree of
your anger, you may find yourself overreacting to minor issues
or even underreacting to major ones.
2. Suppress Taking Any Action
The second step is to suppress taking any action until you
have thought through the situation and have control of what
you say and do. Suppressing taking action is not the same as
repression. When a person represses anger, he buries it and
often isn't aware of the feelings at all. However,
suppressing anger means that you defer taking action without
losing touch with the problem. Sometimes this step may take
only seconds or minutes, but in some cases it may take hours
or possibly days.
Fill in Proverbs 29:11:
There are two exceptions.
i) If you are trying to identifying your feelings and someone
asks if you're upset, DON'T SAY NO, say, "Yes, what you said
did upset me, but I'll have to think it through before I say
anything more about it". If you don't tag the situation
verbally, it is crucial that you at least tag it in your mind.
As a result, if there are some urgent tasks at hand when
something is bothering you, you will have pinned the problem
down in your mind and committed yourself to coming back to
deal with it later.
ii) Notify innocent bystanders when something is on your mind.
Thus if you have had a very traumatic day at work, it is wise
to inform your family when you come home.
Timing is very important in dealing with emotional issues.
Avoid to delay taking actions for unnecessarily long time.
3. Pray
"Lord, help me see the issues more clearly".
"Lord, help me sort out my thoughts and feelings so I can do
the right thing".
4. Identify the Cause of Your Anger
If you are upset by a small matter, the true cause of the
anger may be another bigger matter.
5. Is Your Anger Legitimate?
Fill in Jonah 4:9:
In this case God was questioning Jonah as to whether he had an
adequate basis for his angry feelings. It turned out that
Jonah didn't have just cause for his anger. For example, our
anger is not legitimate if someone is honest and tell us the
truth we do not like to hear.
6. Determine a Course of Action
At any of the above steps, you may have been able to resolve
the problem. If not, you will need to take further action to
handle your feelings constructively, otherwise they turn into
a destructive force against you or others. Most people deal
with conflict by one of the following methods:
a) They angrily attack - "I'll get even with him."
b) They run and withdraw - "I'll take my marbles and go
home."
c) They verbally give in to the other person - "OKay, you
win."
d) Total denial of any conflict.
But in reality they are unhappy with the situation and these
methods will only harbor resentment.
The following are specific courses of action that one can take
when conflict arises. You should become proficient in
selecting the best means of handling a given situation of
conflict. First, fill in Leviticus 19:17-18:
a) Confront when necessary - Anyone who really cares about
people and their feelings finds confrontation difficult,
but a mature person will confront someone when it is
necessary. See the following how Paul shares his
feelings about confrontation: Fill in II Corinthians
2:4:
However, speaking the truth in love often necessitates
confrontation, and sometimes this confrontation must
take place before one can be tender and forgiving. Fill
in Ephesians 4:25:
There are 3 general ways to confront people:
i) To inform - We are asking for all kinds of trouble if
we assume that the other person knows how strongly we
feel, unless we actually put it into words and express
our feelings directly to the person involved.
ii) Share your primary feeling by starting with "I feel
..." rather that blaming other person by saying "You
always ...":
o "I'm feeling ignored."
o "I feel disappointed that I can't go too."
o "I get the feeling that I'm being blamed
for that."
o "I feel put down."
o "I feel like I'm being interrogated."
iii) Rebuke in love - Here you are telling the person
directly that what he is saying or doing is
inappropriate, but note that what he is saying or doing
is given in love, which differentiates it from the angry
attack. Because you care about the person you are
rebuking, the aim of rebuking in love is reconciliation.
Fill in Proverbs 27:5-6:
b) Establish Limits of Behavior - This can be used in any
situation in which one has the right and/or
responsibilities over others. This is especially
applicable with parents, teachers, and employers.
c) Get Counsel - Find a friend or professional counselor to
talk over a problem. This person can help to clarify
issues and give objectivity to a problem. Praying to
God, the Great Counselor, is certainly advisable.
d) Talk Things Out - For some, it is praying to God and
share the deepest feelings, For others, get things out
of their system by writing a letter (even if they never
mail it), or talk to themselves in private, or even
record their feelings on a cassette recorder.
e) Compromise When Appropriate - Seldom when we get angry
are we 100 percent right and the other person 100
percent wrong. Typically, there are multiple factors
causing the problem and several different ways to view
the situation. Often after we have gone through some of
the steps for handling anger, particularly the step of
confrontation, we become aware of the other person's
feelings, and suddenly we are faced with a different
perspective on the issue. The ability to compromise is
an integral characteristic of the emotionally and
spiritually mature person (read Acts 15:1-29).
f) Pass Over the Issue - This is not repression. The basis
of passing over the issue is realizing that the best
possible solution to the problem, both for ourselves and
for the other person, is to simply drop the issue. It
means that we hold no grudges, that we are willing to
forgive and forget.
7) Forgive and Forget
Fill in Matthew 6:15:
Forgiving is we fully recognize that what the other person did
was definitely wrong, but that we will nevertheless forgive
him and forget it, no matter how much he has hurt us.
Forgiving means that we actively choose to give up our grudge
despite the severity of the injustice done to us. It does not
mean that we have to say or feel "That didn't hurt me" or "It
didn't really matter." Some things may hurt very much, but we
still choose to forgive. Forgiving does not mean that the
party at fault doesn't need to suffer the natural or lawful
consequences of his actions. One can forgive and still allow
justice to be administered. E.g. if a drunken driver kills
your mother while driving recklessly, it is appropriate that
legal action be taken against him. This is necessary not only
for your mother's sake, but also for the driver's and
society's sake.
PREVENTING ANGER
If you want to be emotionally mature and able to handle anger when
it arises, then there is work needs to be done now when you are not
angry.
1. Maintain a Purposeful Life
Good health habits are essential in minimizing anger. Proper
diet, rest, relaxation, and exercise are essential. Others
like keeping down excessive noise and clutter in out
backgrounds, should also be considered. (Read I Thessalonians
4:11 and Ecclesiastes 9:17)
In addition, it is essential to maintain an active life in
general. People who have positive pursuits in their lives
have less time and reason to be angry than people who are
stuck in a rut. The person who is progressing toward personal
goals is less likely to be jealous of another person's
success, which often manifests itself in anger. Therefore you
should set meaningful, constructive goals for both your work
and your leisure hours.
2. Have a Proper Relationship with God
When we begin to realize all that God has done for us despite
the hurts we have inflicted on others, it can't help but
soften our tendency to be angry at others for the hurts that
they have inflicted on us. In addition, daily devotion alone
with God, reading the Bible, praying, and meditating can help
clarify areas in our lives that need working on and can better
prepare us to handle conflict as it arises.
3. Evaluate your Rights and Expectations
One of the quickest ways to change hurt and angry feelings is
to look at our expectations and change those that are
inappropriate or unrealistic. As those rights and
expectations are unchanged, both the primary feelings of being
hurt and the secondary feeling of anger may continue to be
aroused.
4. Express Your Expectations
Once we have gotten in touch with all our demands and
expectations and have admitted them to ourselves, we need to
express them to those we have expectations of. That is the
only way to have a truly honest, open relationship. Otherwise
it's like two people playing a game when only one of them
knows all the rules. We need their feedback as to whether our
expectations are valid and mutually agreed upon. Those that
are not must be negotiated, or else trouble will be
inevitable. In addition, we must also express our needs, our
wishes and desires.
5. Be Realistic in Self-Expectations
Sometimes we expect too much of ourselves. We don't take into
account, or we refuse to admit, that we are human and thus
have certain limitations. The problem of high self-
expectations can express itself in the form of overextending
ourselves, trying to cram too much into one day. Then, when
we can't accomplish what we set out to do, we become angry at
ourselves or at whatever interferes with our schedule.
6. Expect the Right Things from God
Every person has expectations of God. Observe the reactions
of the person who has lost a job, has had a financial problem,
is confronted with a serious illness, or has lost a loved one.
The reaction that follows the unmet expectation from God can
often take the form of anger, resentment, bitterness, and
depression. Whether they are appropriate or inappropriate, we
need to be honest about all those feelings, for it certainly
is much better to be honest than to deny their existence.
After we place them all out in front of God, we gradually be
able to pick out those inappropriate ones and give them up.
7. Accept the Facts of Life
A lot of things don't seem to be fair. The person who has a
high I.Q., money, good looks, good health, an attractive
personality, and ample abilities and opportunity may have done
nothing to get all these qualities. The parable of the
talents in Matthew 25:15 says, "And to one he gave five
talents, to another, two, to another, one." Thus God
acknowledges the fact that individuals have various abilities.
If we compare ourselves with other people we will surely seem
to come out short. Even the man who has everything tends to
ignore all that he has, and instead focuses on what he doesn't
have.
We need to see life more from God's perspective - that life is
a gift. If we allow our eyes to focus enviously on
comparisons with others, we will miss the many things that God
has done for us. Accepting ourselves and our assets - God's
gifts to us - is fundamental to overcoming anger.
8. Deal with Feelings of Inferiority
If we feel inadequate and inferior, we will be on our guard
for anything that threatens our feelings of self-worth, and so
we protect ourselves with angry counterattacks. On the other
hand, the better we feel about ourselves, the less reason we
will have to be defensive, bitter, and jealous.
9. Avoid Aggravating Situations
"Do not associate with a man given to anger, or go with a hot-
tempered man, lest you learn his ways, and find a snare for
yourself." (Proverbs 2:24-25)
10. Reduce Your Unresolved Anger Fund
Perform all the constructive work outlined in this class for
all the past hurts, pain and anger.
IDEAL WAYS TO HANDLE ANGER
o Stand for Righteous Principles
o Pass Over Inconsequential Issues
o Forgive
o Pray for the Offender
o Be Loving
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